By: Amelia Rose
Like watercolors my thoughts swirl
I cannot follow a pattern or a single line
For all the paint that winds around the page
I am a painter
About to start a new work
I've been looking forward to this opportunity for years
It's my time to shine
A patron has called on me to create for him a splendid masterpiece
That has the potential to be recognized and celebrated by many
But now that my time has come,
I do not know what to paint.
I've had ideas for awhile, about what I'd want this painting to include
I made a couple preliminary sketches
But now, I cannot decide.
My patron has given me freedom
To choose for myself what to paint
No boundaries, no requirements, no limitations
Just whatever I want this work to be
With one exception: it is all subject to his approval.
But he trusts my judgement, better than even I trust it.
I asked those close to me what they thought I should paint
But every opinion was different; conflicting
And now I do not know what to do.
I have my blank canvas before me,
But I only get one.
I must make it worth my patron's time and money.
Thoughts, fears mingle in my mind.
What if things don't work out right?
What if I spill paint on my only canvas?
What if someone comes to the door,
Or the phone rings and startles me while I'm working
And I make an unintended mark in a place I didn't expect.
I'd have to work it into the picture, I suppose.
But again, what if my patron, my sponsor tells me to add something
I'd never thought of; anticipated
What if I don't know how to paint it in?
Or worse, what if he tells me to take away something
I'd always wanted to include in my masterpiece?
I'd have to do it. I'd want to do it,
For my sponsor knows more about what my audience wants and needs from me. But still, it would break my heart.
I'm just scared.
Scared and unsure.
But I must stop this.
Where do all my insecurities get me?
I must have faith.
I am no longer an apprentice.
I must have faith that my teacher taught me how to handle my brush well enough.
I must have faith that my patron will watch over my work and will guide me to know if I err.
I must have faith in myself. That my judgement is good, my abilities strong.
I must have faith. I must have confidence.
I must put aside my fears.
I am the painter.
I will paint my canvas as I like it, incorporate new ideas and people into my painting as they come.
I must put aside my fears and just--begin.
My patron trusts in me, therefore I will follow his example and trust in myself.
I will make my painting happen,
One brushstroke at a time.